Players & Coaches

Wow – it’s been a while. Turns out the slog of work and trying to raise well adjusted, happy (if slightly over programmed) kids was pretty all encompassing and that was before the pandemic. The past year – it is hard to truly comprehend the loss, the change, the uncertainty as we all taught grade school, became reading specialists, coaches and camp counselors without our friends and family and support networks, all while trying to maintain full time jobs. It makes me choke up to think about what we have all collectively been through and yet, it seems like we might start to return to some new sense of normal and with that sigh of relief, it turns out I have things to say again.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about players and coaches lately. My kids are in full swing in their sports seasons and my team at work has grown.  This has been a fun and interesting challenge.

 

I have so often led the teams I’m on through pure hustle and muscle. I have been a work horse. Even in my collegiate crew boat – I sat in the 4 seat, in the middle, often called the engine room. The boat is the most stable in the middle and the 4 middle seats are there for power. The seats in the back require extra skill and finesse to keep the boat balanced and the seats in the front set the cadence and lead the boat. I sat in the middle – the "get-it-done" person.  But, as my role at work changes, I'm starting to see that that may not be where I can make the biggest impact. It got me thinking about what it means to be a leader and a teammate both at work and at home. 

Forever ago, we used to go to Celtics games. There was a crazy comeback game we got to go to when Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker were on the team. They were down by more than 20 going into the final quarter. And then Paul Pierce with his quiet confidence and Antoine Walker with his exuberance marched the team to a spectacular comeback. But what I remember was two different forces – the work horse of Pierce scoring 19 points of the 41 in the final quarter and Walker rallying the team - including Pierce. I remember us joking even as we watched the two approaches to leadership – Pierce with the “Get on my back – we’re doing this,” and Walker, “Get on his back – we’re doing this.” Turns out – both are incredibly impactful.

My AHA

But here’s my aha - I guess I always thought that the best way for me to lead, for me to contribute, for me to be a good teammate was the Paul Pierce – “Get on my back, we are doing this” approach. There is undoubtably a place for that. I’ve been an early hire into startups where departments were all single person functions and I’ve also joined much larger teams to build a necessary function from scratch. In those situations, the muscle and the hustle were critical. There is just no other way to start to get the giant flywheel turning other than applying tremendous effort.  The challenge that I have so often run into is – that muscle, that hustle – it doesn’t scale. Turns out, that after a while, the way that I can make the most impact – drive the boat faster, truly lead, is to give up the stable seat in the middle.

 

And from those seats in the front, I can set the cadence, define the processes so that the middle can accelerate. I can also create the stability and avoid the distraction by taking the messy noisy projects that need more finesse than muscle. Contribute – yes, lead, definitely but perhaps my personal output is a bit lower because my job is to make the boat’s output higher and eventually get us another, bigger or different boat. My job is switch from a player to a coach and at different points in my career this change felt terrifying but this time – it feels okay.

 

And on the Mom Front

And as always – those same pieces seem to hit me on the mom front. I remember the drama of trading Garbage Pail Kids and charms. I remember the terribly painful fights between friends in the 4^th grade. But these are not my trades and these are not my fights. I can only coach from the sidelines.

 

It’s hard – change is always hard. Watching your kids struggle is hard. Fighting the urge to “just do it myself” is hard. But, this is what my team (and my family) needs from me so - I’ll take my new role of cheering, supporting, blocking and tackling from a new point of view with my same passion.

Now, get in there! We’re doing this – Love, Coach Shana

You've Got This. You've Trained for This.

On a good day,
surging towards the finish

I’ve said to myself either as encouragement or as a bit of pleading towards the end of more than one race. On the good days, I pick up speed, remembering the long runs I’ve pushed through and surge towards the finish. On the bad days, I slog through, one foot in front of the other just like I have done on the long slow runs – counting anything I can find and moving on will, not muscle towards the end.

The same is true in so many other parts of my life. In recent months, I have moved from a single full time job to consulting on a few projects across different companies. It is both energizing and a bit dizzying to switch context from one project, one team to another. 

When I first toyed with this idea, a friend and I were chatting about the value of the off time that you bring to work. The moments when you wake up, before you get out of bed, thinking through a problem. The middle of your run when you figure out a new approach. The unrelated chat with a friend that spurs a new idea. Our premise was only one project – the one you cared most about would get this time and this time is what makes your “on time" so productive. You sit down to write the email that you‘ve already thought through. So  - what happens when there are three projects vying for that off time?

Well guess what, I've got this. I’ve trained for this. Turns out I have been multi-tasking in my off time for years – a solid decade this December. I can do both 2^ndand 4^thgrade homework and make dinner at the same time. I can have a heart wrenching conversation with a friend and cut up chicken into bit-sized pieces for my hungry child. I can worry about both kids at the same time. And like most parents, I even multi-task in my sleep - comforting, holding, listening, and yup - occasionally worrying. It turns out, I have tremendous practice at context switching! Sometimes – like those runs, it is exhilarating and energizing and somedays it is the slog from pick up to bed time but so it goes.

I find that since I am interested and excited about all three projects - I do switch between them on my off time. Now - they don't get the same focus or dedication as when there was only one but I get to cycle through - allowing myself to focus on the puzzle that I can be the most productive on or that I'm ready to work through. I'll keep pulling on my training and pushing through - sometimes with flourish and sometimes pure will!

Thanks for reading!

My kitchen was crowded today

My grandmothers were in my kitchen today. Both have been gone for a long time, but still both were in my kitchen today. My mother’s mother was not a particularly religious woman as near as I could tell but my grandfather was and she was supportive. And she had her staple dishes that marked every holiday – most notably knishes. My father’s mother loved to feed us. The amount of food that she could generate on about 4 minutes notice was truly unbelievable and she always had trays of sweets – coffee cake and rugalach.

And today while fasting for Yom Kippur, my kids and I cooked and baked all afternoon. An odd sequence while hungry but we had places to go tonight to break the fast and it passed the time. We baked an apple crisp from the remaining apples from apple picking a few weeks ago. My mother’s mother never let anything go to waste. She had all sorts of contortions for green tomatoes because they couldn’t go to waste and so – as I cut the bad sections off these aging apples to put them into the final apple crisp of our bag – there was my grandmother, in my kitchen.

My son asked out of the blue, if we could make rugalach. I’ve never made rugalach. I had always thought it was hard, but it was something my grandmothers had made. I was game and we tried to figure it out. And again, my 8 year old, reading The Joy of Cooking figured out how to apply the jam and rolled the pieces and we placed them on the tray. After break fast, I popped one in my mouth – and it is confirmed, my grandmother was in my kitchen today, whispering in my son’s ear, baking as good as always.

And we made a kugel. I asked my mother a few years ago for a kugel recipe and she first sent me a page of a cookbook. I clarified – I don’t want a kugel – I want your kugel. And so she sent me a photo of the recipe card. It has no directions – just ingredients and is stained with food. When I need to make it, I have to find the photo on my phone and remember the parts that aren’t listed on the card plus the adaptions my fans request – more raisins, a touch more sugar. My daughter stirred all the ingredients together and then my house filled with that smell as it baked.

Traditions are a funny thing. They often start almost by accident. I cooked today because frankly I didn’t have time before this afternoon. Actually, the same thing happened last year and the year before on Yom Kippur. So the kitchen in my house on Yom Kippur afternoon, is often a bustling place and I suspect that will often be the case. And it was so crowded today because those notions of what holidays mean, what connections mean come not just from the rules but from the smells, and the tastes and the experiences.

The past, the present and the future were all in my kitchen today and it was just delightful.

This I Can Do

Those emails asking for classroom volunteers or field trip chaperones come through at least once a week. Sometimes with an increasingly desperate tone and that pang of guilt hits as a I slide to delete. I wish that I wasn’t ducking it, but these kinds of asks are just too hard for a working mom with a 40-minute commute. And there are of course days that I can work from home or go in late, but I like to save those for the times when my kids are sharing their work (and they’ll be most disappointed if I miss). Feels a bit like working towards the passing grade.

 

And I take comfort that we live in a community where there is a balance of parents who can make mid-day commitments work and others like me who screech into the parking lot at 6:11 PM because the 4:47 PM train just doesn’t happen most days. And that my kids at 6:11 PM need to be coerced to go home because they are in the middle of activities and their friends are still there too.

And most days, I take comfort that it is okay and that we are doing great. And every once in a while, I get a chance to go for the extra credit, make a contribution that makes a difference and that is amazing.

I love to make my kids Halloween costumes. I like to sew but I mostly love the process of picking something out with them, and working on a project together and taking part pattern, part inspiration to get to something that they love. It is my happy-homemaker moment of the year. And because I tend to free style on the designs a bit, I always have lots of extra fabric, and buttons and ribbon. So when my daughter started talking about a little play she was doing in her school and how she needed a costume – that was an easy win. And then she and I got to talking about the rest of the little play and the other costumes and I thought, this I can do.

We got a list from the teacher of the costumes needed. Pulled every scrap from princesses, and minions, and superman capes down from the attic. Googled for inspiration and then she and I designed and built 3 more costumes. And because we were freestyling, she put each one on at each stage so we could figure out what to do next. And using every scrap from costumes gone by, one was closed with the infant leg closure snaps and another with Velcro. And she and I had so much fun and were so proud.

And I realized that this is what I have to give, different than the field trip volunteer with infinite patience and a schedule that works. Different than the library volunteer who knows where all the books are and the names of all the kids in the class. We are all working to make our kids lives full and rich and amazing and we have different skills.

And a good reminder. See, I tend to be an early member of start-ups. Joining as the all-around athlete to fill in the gaps and make things happen as we start to turn an idea into a business. When the wheels start to turn, the organization shifts. We start to hire specialists, with deeper skillsets. But in the highly technical projects that I had previously been involved in, the depth tended to come in the engineering organization, or by adding quality or applications.

I continue to learn just how different B2B and Consumer companies are. This transition was a bit different. The skillsets that needed depth and expertise were in brand and copy and media buys. And while I can fill in the gaps there, just like I can make an occasional volunteer shift, that is not where I can go deep.

But communities and families and companies are about balance. We don’t need whole set of the same skills. We need a balance of different skills. We don’t need 20 moms who can cover lunch duty. We need a few, and some for library and some for costumes. It take a village and in that village, sign me up for costumes!

Thanks for reading!  

If I’m Not a Princess, Why Do I Need So Much Rescuing (and Is That a Bad Thing?)

I have never thought of myself as a princess. I like to joke that I’m the least jappy girl in America, (though the girl who also has wet hair and no makeup, but is willing to go camping may have me beat). In fact, I pride myself on being just the opposite. I have always:

1. Prided myself on being independent, so proud of doing it “myself.” (I wonder where my 5-year old gets that idea)
2. Always so proud and drawn to things that require strength, smarts and endurance (shocking that I’m a distance runner)
3.  Happy to roll up my sleeves and help get things done

And yet I’m surprised that all too often that “Sure I can do that too” attitude leaves me buried under more than I can handle and that in the least independent way possible, I have to be rescued either through coaching of my close friends or husband, who are used to this routine, or by co-workers who bring their shovels to help dig me out.

So, if I’m not a princess, why do I need so much rescuing (and is that a bad thing?)

Around the time that I graduated high school, my younger cousin was about 4 years old and her (also fiercely independent) mother/my aunt had bought her this book called “The Paperbag Princess.” My own mother loved this book so much that she gave it to many of my friends as high school graduation presents.

The jist of it was there was a princess and her prince gets into trouble so she sets out to rescue him. She cleverly saves the day but in the process she gets into it with a dragon and messes up her hair and her clothes. When she finally rescues her prince, she is in a paperbag and her snoody prince is not impressed. The princess then has second thoughts on her prince for his not-so-nice attitude and she goes on her merry way.

And there’s no sequel that I’m aware of. But what if there was? What if that awesome princess who fought the dragon and dumped the snoody prince got into trouble in the sequel and needed help to get onto her next adventure? Would she be any less cool? Would she be any less clever or any less strong? Absolutely not.

So maybe my independence, strength and smarts are not erased by the chapter where I need someone to toss me the rope to get out of the quick sand?

I went to a parent teacher conference this week. There’s a new methodology they are rolling out called the “growth mindset.” The deal is that we are not supposed to complement our kids on what they are but on the effort that they apply. So, instead of “Great job! You’re so smart” you are supposed to say “Great job! You must have worked really hard on this.” We are also supposed to encourage mistakes and help our kids learn from them.

I can work with that. I’m not screwing up. I’m growing. I think the catch here is that you have to do something different for that to work, though. So here’s what I’m going to try (nothing like public accountability), before quickly picking something up and running with it.

1.  Slow down. Not so slow that it is ineffective but just long enough to actually think about the problem at hand.
2. Short term mitigation, long term solution. Having worked with customers for most of my career, this is old hat when it comes to an aggravated customer but easy to forget when it comes to, well, myself.
3. Rightful owner. Who is the best person for this long term? At home and at work, I have a bad habit of picking up all sorts of tasks like I’m collecting them. I’ll try to be a better sharer

So maybe being rescued from time to time is not such a bad thing. Even Superman had to rescued. Han Solo and Princess Leya too.

Speaking of which, there’s a pretty awesome, tough lady that could use our help this week, so don’t forget to vote!

Thanks for reading!